Finally. At long last, we are reunited with ABC’s darling drama, The Bachelorette. This year’s Bachelorette crop looks like a Nick Saban recruiting class – there’s a little bit of everything. Some black, some white, a Samoan, and some wildcards. This colorful crop of men is competing for the heart of Rachel, a Texas lawyer who was outdone last year by a hillbilly and an aspiring actress in the quest for
50% of Nick’s assets love. The first episode is always a reminder to society that these people are real Americans that pay taxes and have the right to vote and procreate freely. It’s a testament to the power of love, as a group of men rely on unemployment checks and high-interest loans to live in high-end suits, $60 V-neck tees, and extremely short swim trunks in a quest for romance. It’s intro night. Let’s hit it.
First things first, we learn that Rachel travels with her dog on planes. As a passenger in a nearby seat, this would be cool for about the first 20 minutes of the 3 hour and 25 minute flight from Dallas to LA. I’m already rethinking my semi-strong opinion of Rachel, but in a shocking turn of events, she named the dog Copper. That is a STRONG dog name, a la The Fox and The Hound. She’s back on safe ground. I hope Copper is here all season.
- From Wisconsin, like Nick, and immediately points that out because I’m sure that’s not a sore spot.
- Most likely to have a shockingly serious criminal background. Not just petty theft, like this guy was probably a suspect in a missing person’s case.
- Prosecution vs Defense – the first of many presumed lawyers on the show
- Brother was bullied and tragically hung himself in their backyard, a truly awful story. But apparently they didn’t move or sell the house so…
- Went with a legal pun, which worked because it was lame. But left with a “see you later alligator” which has shades of Peter Klaven written all over it. Don’t try too hard, Joben.
- He’s my pick to win it all for a few reasons, but mainly because his intro video was 3x as long as everyone else’s.
- Good looking dude but plot twist, he’s the first Spanish-speaking Bryan with a ‘Y’ in world history.
- Dude is flat-out bold. Predicting he’ll be this season’s villain, which is funny because…
- …we have a wrestler to fight all of the fake evil! He can afford to leave his wrestling career to come on this show, clearly showing his hand as a horrible wrestler.
- lol what a nerd!
- HE’S A SAMOAN!!! IF HE DOES THE HAKA SHE’LL PROPOSE TO HIM!!! I love Samoans and think they’re the key to winning football games.
- I’m pretty sure he’s Gordon Hayward, small forward for the Utah Jazz.
- Wow, looks like Eric Snow. Two NBA doppelgängers in a row?!? And I mean a young Eric Snow, not old Eric Snow who got fat and fell asleep during Sixers games.
- Surprisingly good Urkel impression.
- Not a real name. He’s a contender for sure, but not with that name. There will be a dramatic one-on-one, probably on a boat, in which he allows Rachel to call him by his real name.
- Owns 575 pairs of sneakers which is an enormous waste of money.
- Brought baked goods which is an awesome move, but the buns joke isn’t a winner because no one has referenced “buns” in a joking manner in 8-10 years.
- Marine Vet! If she sends him home, she clearly hates America and doesn’t support the troops!
- Justifies her rushing blindly into an illogical and improbable lifelong relationship by stating that his grandparents only dated for a few months and have been married for 65 years. So if it worked for them, we could definitely tolerate each other for half a century. Right.
- Man, are these generic white guy names or what?
- Literally breaks the ice, with a sledgehammer. He probably thought about that introduction harder than anything he’s ever thought about before in his life.
- “Start-up recruiter” means that he’s making commission on a $20,000 salary and living in an apartment paid for by his parents.
- Here’s a fun joke for Dean, who surprisingly came across not as poorly as his original introduction: once you go black, you can’t make more race jokes.
- Her parents are going to skewer him and I’m going to love it.
- Oddly fitting suit. Seriously bro? You had months to find a suit that fit. Even I have a suit that fits.
- My Italian cousin DeMario is strong candidate. Seems like a good guy. Didn’t do anything to hurt him. He’ll hang around a while.
- So answer me this, do some contestants just get a higher budget for stunts? This guy had an entire marching band! Corinne, bless her heart, had a moonbounce!
- He kind of looks like the creepy hacker with the guinea pig from House of Cards, but if he drank a half-gallon of muscle milk every day of his life.
- WHAT A NAME! HIS NAME IS LEGITIMATELY FRED! THAT’S INCREDIBLE!
- Went to school with Rachel, so she’ll keep him around to round off their story line and dump him halfway through.
- But seriously, his name is actually Fred. Do you even know anyone named Fred? When they showed him and said “Hi I’m Fred” I laughed harder than any part in the episode because I’ve never heard those words before.
- Looks like he’s killing time during a layover between flights on a business trip.
- But his occupation is “Ticklemaster” so he’s clearly a freak and isn’t allowed within 500 feet of schools. He’s probably part of that tickle documentary that I can’t believe is a real thing.
- Doesn’t even know how to hold the guitar. Sounds awful. He didn’t leave Nashville to come on the show. Nashville kicked him out and he had cool hair so ABC threw him in a limousine.
- Another IT executive. Seriously, it seems like half the cast work in IT. Maybe the recent uptick in global viruses and malware was a result of all these companies losing their IT guys to go on this
booze cruise to hellreality show. Stay woke people.
- He brought a vacuum. I don’t even get it. Here’s what I do get: he sucks.
- Seems like a weird dude. Took a selfie with a Polaroid and failed to make an Outkast or “Hey Ya” reference. What a loser.
- Brought a dummy with him that speaks French. I hate this so much that I can’t stop laughing.
- He’s this season’s “most likely to have a pit in his basement” award winner.
- Oh look! A guy with my name! I bet he’s totally insane.
- Yes. He’s wearing a penguin costume and is high as a kite. He has to lean back just to make eye contact with Rachel because of his stupid beak.
- In back to back seasons now, someone dressed as an animal you’d find in an aquarium has made it through but a business-owner gets sent home. We’re all doing it wrong.
- I hope they’re setting him up for a date with Alexis, last season’s dolphin lover.
- Guess his occupation? It rhymes with “eye-tea director”.
- He is the most likely cast member to have said the phrase “well that’s a horse of a different color” in a black and white film.
- An attorney from Dallas (what a coincidence) who 1000% goes by both names and both names only: Jack Stone.
“Hi, I’m Jack Stone. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Hey Jack, my name is –“
“Not Jack, Jack Stone. That’s my name. Don’t make me tell you again.”
- Food for thought: how do I sign up to be an extra in the generic court-room drama scenes? I’ve got a 20% off Kohl’s coupon for whoever gets me in that casting call.
- My man is wearing that turquoise shirt like his JV Soccer team has a big game after school. I think he bought it at JC Penney’s.
- When I spell-checked this post and it came to this name, it just said “No spelling suggestions”.
- I’m really running out of steam here. I feel like there’s been 50 men already.
- He brought a brownie and said “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude”. That’s totally false. The blacker the brownie, the worse baker you are. Seriously Mike, there are instructions on the bag. It’s not that hard.
- According to Michael, he is a professional basketball player. That’s clearly going really well for him!
- It’s only fitting we end here. He announced his own arrival and the fun fact that he has two totally normal but different sized balls. Strike 1.
- He has a catchphrase called “whaboom” and goes into minor cardiac arrest whilst yelling it in a seizure-filled display of emotion. Strike 2.
- His shirt underneath his blazer says “whaboom” on it. And it’s sleeveless. Strike 3.
- This guy is the LaVar Ball of this season, set on a course of rampage with no regard for humanity and all the regard for self-promotion. He more than likely joined his rugby team in college as a goofy but quiet kid who soon realized “if I do ridiculous things, they will laugh at me” and hasn’t stopped since.
- By far the best part of the Lucas experience is that you can audibly hear him yelling “whaboom” during scenes in the mansion when he is not in the frame. This means that he’s not just doing it for the camera is legitimately a crazy person.
Josiah – Winner
Diggy (post-real name reveal) – Runner-Up
Spanish Bryan – Third Place