It’s time for the fastest two minutes in sports! Find your light blue shorts, dust off your
elitist fanciest hat, and prepare to google ‘Randy Moss horse racing’. Whether you’re on your way to place your bets or are headed to a derby party, I’m here to give you the rundown on the field to give you a leg up on the rest of the crowd. I’ll even give some FREE picks for all you degenerates out there!
NOTE: Odds are from KentuckyDerby.com as of 5/6 at 1:00 PM. All analysis is based on 30 seconds of research on the internet as I wrote.
1 – Lookin At Lee (28/1)
Solid red/black color scheme, but a stupid name. “Lookin At Lee” will sound great from the broadcast booth but that’s about it.
2 – Thunder Snow (17-1)
Cool name? Check. Born overseas? Check. Decent odds? Check. I’m intrigued.
3 – Fast and Accurate (38-1)
There’s a joke there somewhere… Gray horse, that’s cool I guess.
4 – Untrapped (60-1)
His name insinuates that he was at one point ‘trapped’ which is disappointing considering horses are enormous, fast, and strong. Any horse that was slow enough to get trapped is never going to win a race, which explains the long odds.
5 – Always Dreaming (4-1)
The current favorite, this a good horse. Don’t like the name or the color scheme though, so I’m going to take a pass. If you’re dreaming, you’re not living in the real world. I predict a disappointing finish from this guy.
6 – State of Honor (53-1)
This horse is NOT named after Ohio, the worst state in the union. I like the name and the red/yellow/black colors, but the horse was born in Canada and they’re just too nice. The horse is 100% content with coming in last because he’ll be happy to see his friends succeed.
7 – Girvin (21-1)
What is a girvin? It sounds like a large, endangered bird that lives in South America. I’d imagine it feeds on small fish on the edge of rivers in the Amazon and has a long bill and an annoying cry.
8 – Hence (14-1)
Reminds me of Hunter Pence, who infamously said “good game, let’s go eat”. Also reminds me of Mike Pence, who infamously said “yeah, I’ll be your VP.”
9 – Irap (36-1)
No you don’t.
10 – Gunnevera (9-1)
His trainer was kidnapped and held for ransom TWICE in Venezuela and escaped both times – he stayed in Venezuela (WHY??) and won over 3,000 races. Gunnevera was orphaned as a foal (pro tip: baby horse) and had to be fed via bottle. He was auctioned off for $16,000 and has now earned over $1.1M. That’s an incredible story and one that deserves to be told. Who wants to preemptively buy the movie rights with me?
11 – Battle of Midway (37-1)
What an elite name…but those odds stink.
12 – Sonneteer (34-1)
Hasn’t won in his last 10 races. I’m out.
13 – J Boys Echo (45-1)
Best track on the new Kendrick Lamar album.
14 – Classic Empire (8-1)
Trainer is known as “Racing’s Bad Boy” because of his training style – I’m immediately picturing the clown from Air Bud. Recent injuries have put a damper on his chances, but this horse should have a chance to compete. I’d stay away to be safe. And now a joke: “Installing a hole that can lead to the destruction of the entire space station a second time was a Classic Empire move.” Sorry, Star Wars has been all over TNT this week.
15 – McCraken (7-1)
I drew him on our office pool so he won’t win. Sounds like an Irish sea monster, which is fun.
16 – Tapwrit (26-1)
“The W is silent”.
17 – Irish War Cry (5-1)
I’ve been told that this is the horse to pick, having seen recent success and coming into the derby in good form. Jockey is returning from an injury, but seems like a safe bet to me.
18 – Gormley (21-1)
Features the same jockey as American Pharoah, the dyslexic triple-crown winner. A
wise-man drunk-guy at Harrah’s once told me “bet the jockey, not the horse”. That fact paired with three wins in his last five starts, including the Santa Anita Derby – which was definitely mentioned in the movie Seabiscuit – leads me to believe this is a good sleeper pick.
19 – Practical Joke (30-1)
When you’re named after a joke, you’re probably a joke. Career earnings are just a shade under 1M, which is what David West makes in a year. And he’s real old.
20 – Patch (14-1)
Here we go. A one-eyed horse? Are you kidding me? I want this guy to win so badly it hurts. He’s the (legitimate) son of Union Rags, a Belmont Stakes winner in 2012 and ran well in his only start prior to the derby. AND HE HAS ONE-EYE. AND IS A GOOD BOY. Randy Moss (white) said on a recent Pardon My Take episode that Patch is the nicest horse in the field and would just let you pet him for hours. I’m buying all of the Patch stock and am fully prepared to be let down when he comes in 17th, like the last one-eyed horse did.
Bet to ‘Win’: Gunnevera, Always Dreaming
Bet to ‘Place’: Irish War Cry, McCraken
Bet to ‘Show’: Patch, Gormley, Thunder Snow
Exacta: Gunnevera – Gormley
Trifecta: Gunnevera – Gormley – Always Dreaming
Superfecta: Gunnevera – Gormley – Always Dreaming – Irish War Cry