Ultimate Fantasy Draft – Coaches

The teams are assembled, but every racehorse needs it jockey to wear the blanket of roses in Louisville.  Fictitious football coaches are a special sort – they come in all shapes and sizes.  Take a minute to review the final rosters of each team before seeing who was chosen to lead them into battle.  Just remember, the inches are everywhere.

Day 1 – Quarterbacks

Day 2 – Running backs

Day 3 – Wide receivers/Tight ends

Day 4 – Specialists

Day 5 – Offensive linemen

Day 6 – Defensive linemen

Day 7 – Linebackers

Day 8 – Defensive backs

Day 9 – Kickers

Dan Kirk Holden Matt

QB

Shane Falco Paul Crewe Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass

Vince Howard

QB

Uncle Rico Alex Moran Gee Grenouille

Willie Beamen

RB

Julian Washington Wendell Brown Darnell Jefferson

Boobie Miles

RB

Smash Williams Earl Megget Demetrius “DH” Harris

Tim Riggins

WR/TE

Rod Tidwell Phil Elliott Charlie Tweeder

Brian Murphy

WR/TE

Deacon Moss Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon Ricky Jerret

Air Bud

Specialist

Don Billingsley Spike Hammersmith Clifford Franklin

Forrest Gump

OL

Louie Lastik Jumbo Fumiko Billy Bob

Jamal Jackson

OL

Rudy Zolteck Patrick “Madman” Kelly Bud-Lite Kaminski

Andre Jackson

DL

Julius Campbell Andre Krimm Vernon Littlefield

Switowski

DL

Steve Lattimer Charles Jefferson Greg Meaney

Ivory Christian

LB

Danny Bateman Gerry Bertier Bobby Boucher

Luther “Shark” Lavay

LB

Alvin Mack Becky “Icebox” O’Shea Eric Olzyk

Thad Castle

DB

Brian Chavez Petey Jones Earl Wilkinson

Stefan Djordjevic

K Landry Clarke Ray Finkle Nigel Gruff

Barney Gorman

coach

Coach (2)

Round 1

  1. Matt: Eric Taylor – Friday Night Lights (TV)
  2. Holden: Farmer Fran – The Waterboy
  3. Kirk: Jimmy McGinty – The Replacements
  4. Dan: Herman Boone – Remember the Titans

Round 2

  1. Matt: Nubie– Little Giants
  2. Holden: Tony D’Amato – Any Given Sunday
  3. Kirk: Coach Klein – The Waterboy
  4. Dan: Sheryl Yoast – Remember the Titans

Matt

There was never anyone else.  Coach Taylor.  The Kingmaker.  Taylor doesn’t need to raise his voice or throw tantrums in the lockerroom to get his point across because he earns the respect of his players.  He’s an offensive genius that has managed some of the best teams in Texas at the high school level, and was a hotshot assistant at TMU for a brief time.  His wife, Tammy Taylor, is an angel.  Pairing him with Vince Howard again could lead to one of the best offenses of all-time, having brought East Dillon back from the dead like Jesus did with Lazarus a few years back.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.  This team won’t lose.  Nubie is a mad scientist of sorts when it comes to drawing up plays.  A student of the game with no background playing the sport, he’s still a “football guy”.  He’s been mentored by John Madden and has the innate ability to improvise; ask the Cowboys if they were ready for the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”.  My defense has strong leaders in-place to police themselves on (…and off) the field, so I’m focusing on building an elite offense.  This pair of football savants will do just that.

Holden

Going in to the final round, I really needed someone who could curtail a lot of the strong personalities I drafted. If I picked the wrong coach, it could be a real dumpster fire. I decided to go with Tony D’Amato. You really can’t get much better then a coach that was based of off legendary coach Tom Landry. I like traditional, smash-mouth football, and D’Amato would bring that with him. My assistant coach (who I actually took first) is Farmer Fran. Fran really needs no explanation, but he comes in along with Bobby Boucher to provide some much needed comfort with his new team. Fran worked wonders with the special teams unit for the Mud Dogs. He will ultimately be in charge of comic relief for my team, softening up the players after D’Amato crushes them. Balance is key.

Kirk

Great players are a luxury and make it easier to win, but even great players suck without great coaches.  I hit the jackpot with mine, though, admittedly, Dan had the pick of the draft with Yoast.  I took Jimmy McGinty to lead my team.  Not only does he have a great knowledge of the game, he’s great with the players.  He is a terrific talent evaluator and is able to get the most out of his players.  There’s some…uh…personalities on the team, but McGinty will work great with them.  As for Coach Klein, another underrated coach.  He wallowed in misery after his playbook was taken from him by a friend but was able to get it together, regroup, and establish a new playbook.  He’s what Philadelphia wanted Chip Kelly to be, minus the smoothies.  My team is in good shape, especially with these guys at the helm.

Dan

Herman Boone is a stellar coach. He took a bunch of racially divided guys, in a racially divided school, in a racially divided country, and turned them into heroes. He’s a great leader, an excellent father, and an exceptional mentor. But when they sings songs about me, it will be for this moment. There may be no better assistant coach in the history of TV/movie football than Sheryl Yoast. She is the fire to Coach Boone’s ice. She is an enigmatic firecracker. She makes Billingsly’s Dad look mild mannered. She’s a force. And this team, full of headcases and monsters, will need her. They will need Boone to direct them, mold them into what they’re meant to be. But they will need Sheryl Yoast to ignite a fire in them. They will need her to hold them accountable. She is the sword in the darkness. The shield that guards the realms of men. The watchful protector. The not-so-silent guardian. Save the cheerleader, save the world.

 

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