Football is won in the trenches, but championships have been won between the uprights. Today, we draft our kickers. What they lack in masculinity, skill, and toughness, they make up for with heart. Or at least foot.
- Dan: Landry Clarke – Friday Night Lights (TV)
- Kirk: Ray Finkle – Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
- Holden: Nigel Gruff – The Replacements
- Matt: Barney Gorman – The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon
Lance! He’s got the clutch gene, bagged a 10, and killed a guy. What have you done?
I took a lot of flak for this pick. Yeah, I passed on Barney Gorman and Nigel Gruff (it was a tough call) but let’s just lay out the facts here. During his NCAA career, Finkle set records for most points in a season and distance and earned the nickname “The Mule.” Yeah, he missed a chipshot for the Super Bowl win and was admitted to an insane asylum where he tried to exact his revenge on Dan Marino, whom he blamed for not holding the laces out, by taking on the identity of one Lois Einhorn and manipulating his way to the position of lieutenant all just to complete his evil plan. But you know what? Guy can kick a ball and Marino ain’t on my team. This is a great pick. To hell with what everyone else thinks.
Gruff was a European soccer player and pub owner before he was picked up by the Sentinels. Gruff has great range hitting from 65 yards in the movie. Gruff also is known for smoking ciggerettes on the football field and starting bar fights. He’s another headcase to add to my squad. You just need someone to hold the ball and he’ll “kick the bloody piss out of it.”
Tony Danza. Philadelphia Eagles. Pure. Disney. Magic.