So I watched The Bachelor last night. I wasn’t sure how comfortable I’d be saying that, but 10 minutes in I hit pause and grabbed a notepad because the world needed to know how I felt. The following is a summary of my initial reactions to the cast of characters being introduced on the season premier. Please keep in mind that I have no past history other than an episode here and there and have never seen any of the cast prior to last night.
Intro to the Bachelor
Nick (the Bachelor): Seems like a nice guy. Determined that scruff was going to be the difference between this season and his others. Confides in young sister before sleeping with (more) women on national TV. Has the highest pitched voice of any of the divorcee’s former bachelors at the bar. They all come really close to saying “trust the process”.
Video Intros (select cast only)
Rachel: Attorney. Leaves the office during the day while everyone is still there – clearly not a hard-worker. Has Strahan-teeth.
Danielle L.: Owns nail salons at 23 – probably laundering money. Does not believe in using buttons on any of her shirts. Will be a contender.
Vanessa: French-Canadian. Eliminated. Oh wait she’s actually really nice. Contender (if she cuts back on the French).
Josephine: Strong jawline. Loves cats. Is clearly unstable. Speaks to the animals. Strong jawline.
Raven: Loves being from the South. Slept with Tim Riggins while Jason Street was still in the hospital. Will hang-on due to accent.
Corinne: Naming her Ivanka Tramp. Has a maid that fetches her cucumbers. Runs her own father’s business. Seems like she’s exactly what is wrong with America. Clearly being set-up to be the villain.
Alexis: NEW JERSEY. OMG DOLPHINS. NEW JERSEY.
Danielle M.: Well she’s going to win. Helps babies for a living. Always whispers (nervous or plotting?). She won.
Taylor: JHU Grad. Probably too smart for the show. Is confused about being biracial and doesn’t have any friends.
Liz: Looks like a fire dancer. Has a (recorded!) history with Nick. Oh this is going to be a major theme.
Nick: Third time he’s mentioned he is planning on being heartbroken again. At least he’s realistic.
Danielle L.: Aggressive double-hand shake.
Elizabeth: Seems confused.
Rachel: Fantasy football joke!
Christen: Looks like Belle. Small-talk not her strong suit.
Taylor: Said “all my friends think you’re a piece of shit”. Couldn’t have drawn that one up any better.
Kristina: Weird voice.
Angela: Dumb. Drunk already.
Lauren/Michelle: Both fail to land jokes.
Dominique: States that “4th time is the charm”. Nothing like setting him up to settle.
Ida Marie: Potato name. Performs a “trust fall”. Pretty sure those only exist in cults so…
Olivia: Eskimo kisses are a real thing? Do actual Eskimos do this? What is the plural form of Eskimo? Can we get a ruling by the National Eskimo Cultural Center? I have so many questions.
Sarah: Makes a funny joke and is openly looking for food once she gets inside. She won my heart.
Jasmine: BRINGS THE ENGAGEMENT RINGS WITH HER. THAT’S A BOLD MOVE COTTON!
Hailey: Canadian. Goes with Van Wilder “no underwear” joke. Bold move, but after ring girl, he probably didn’t even comprehend it. She’ll stick around.
Liz: Is she going to tell him who she is? Is he going to notice? No. No. This guy has no idea.
Ivanka Tramp (aka Corinne): He likes her. She inflects upwards on every sentence. We’re all supposed to hate her.
Vanessa: Two things stand out.
Danielle M.: Brought homemade syrup and is still whispering. She’s winning.
Raven: Does an Arkansas chant and I’m not even surprised.
Jamie: Says they both have balls…then reveals nose ring. Nick was probably dying inside.
Susannah: Gave a beard massage. Those aren’t real.
Josephine: Man. Put a raw hot dog in a book and had them eat it like Lady and the Tramp. That’s honestly disgusting. She’s insane.
Brittany: GAVE HIM A PRETEND COLONOSCOPY. I have no words.
Lacey: Oh and there’s a camel. Oh, and a hump joke. And mentioned humping again. She’s clearly the conservative candidate.
Alexis: NEW JERSEY. DRESSED AS LEFT SHARK. SHE CAN’T NOT KNOW THIS ISN’T A DOLPHIN. NEW JERSEY. SHE’S MAKING DOLPHIN NOISES. THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE. NEW JERSEY.
Final Four (if that’s a thing): Ivanka Tramp, Vanessa, Danielle L., Danielle M.
Finalists: Vanessa & Danielle M.
Winner: Danielle M.
There aren’t words to describe how amazing the season preview was at the end of the show. I’ll just leave it here for you all to enjoy. We all have hearts of gold.